The Airing of Grievances

There seemed to be no end in sight. That is, she stays here in the house that I bought in 1997, and have to buy from her again, and makes no hint at moving out. She pays no bills, gets drunk every weekend, and continues to add to my stress level.

'This is ridiculous,' I thought, so I sent her an email saying that I just can't support her and her 18-year-old daughter at 100%. I can't pay all of the mortgage and all of the utilities. She gets to walk away with almost half of everything, but can't even pay the water bill.

I told her I would pay 60% of everything, but not 100%. She didn't reply to that but did tell me that she already pays me money.

"No Dear. You used to give me money to payoff the loan I took out to eliminate your credit card debt. But you haven't paid me anything since March. That doesn't count," I said.

She said that her lawyer did not advise her to pay anything for housing.
"What does that mean?" I asked. "Does that mean she told you not to pay any bills at all?"

"No. It means she didn't tell me to pay any. I didn't ask her," she said.

"Well, don't you think you ought to help out? Pay something?" I asked again.

"No. I don't think I should because my lawyer didn't tell me to."

I told her that I didn't quite understand how she is motionless unless the lawyer gives her instructions, but that I respectfully decline to pay for all housing, especially when she makes a lot of money and when she still gets child support every month from one of her previous husbands.

The conversation spiraled into the Airing of Grievances.

She accused me of swearing at her teenage daughter and telling her to get out. I denied it and then she pulled out a tape recording of the nuclear argument we had 3 months ago. She actually taped it. And in the tape you can hear my drunk wife slurring as she calls me names.

In the end I guess she was partially right. I did tell the girl to get out, but I did not swear at her. The whole incident was one that no one should be proud of, but I can say with honesty that I did not start it or escalate it.

The grievances continued. The debate about moving out continued. The dispute about the draft settlement continued. She told me that she would be out in a few months. She thought that her money from my retirement plan was in the mail. But she didn't understand how that works. I explained it to her again. It's not in the mail until she signs the agreement, which she keeps changing.

Then I told her my position. I want equal time. The agreement that she never signs says that she gets the majority of our daughter's time. That is not what I want, but my lawyer had told me that I should agree to it because it is a safer position.

But my perspective has changed somewhat. I am starting to worry about my wife's alcohol problem and her influence on our daughter. I am starting to worry about the examples she sets. And I am starting to feel strongly that every child has a right to both parents. And my daughter should not be denied equal time with me. That is time that is never regained.

So I told her that I am ready to go to court. I am ready to argue that our daughter needs her father, especially considering the weekend binges that her mother goes on every 7 days.

Sure, I'm angry and bitter, but believe me, I would be much better off if she just left today. I could probably agree to everything to speed things up, but then I have to live with the fact that my daughter pays the price. I want to break the cycle. My wife has an alcohol problem, and her mother had an alcohol and drug addiction. My daughter needs equal time with a non-alcoholic parent, even though I am much less than perfect.


The game has changed now. She is angry. She is vengeful. And tomorrow she will be home alone while I am at work. A hurricane with her name might be forming.