Internet Dating

Seems like a good idea. Seems like a way to meet more people, and just the people who are a match for all your odd qualities. At least I thought it would be like that.

Realizing that I am now sliding much closer to retirement age, I decided to see what relationship possibilities were out there. Not that I've been particularly fortunate with relationships, but one never knows if things will actually turn out right. So I gave it a shot.

It took incredible courage and two rum and cokes to meet the first one, Jackie. We sat at the bar at a restaurant and she explained, for three hours, the inventory process at her convenience store. Apparently, if a crate of cupcakes is checked in as chocolate cupcakes, but sold as vanilla cupcakes, there is a whole lot of explaining to be done to someone, somewhere. First you have to explain what happened to all the chocolate cupcakes, and then you have to explain where you found a crate of vanilla cupcakes that were never shipped to your store.

It was an OK evening, but I didn't really see a future in this, at least not for me. So when she tracked me down by phone at my brother's house, I told her that we weren't a match. She didn't take it well and accused me of asking her to reverse a sterilization procedure she had done. It is more complicated than that, but the truth is I was just telling her that our plans don't match up.

Then there was the girl who was a private detective, or at least worked for one. We had a nice meal one night. The next day we talked and she told me about how she wanted to kill her boss. Her anger came through on the phone quite clearly. In fact, it was anger that she couldn't seem to manage, and I suspect that is why she was jumping from job to job. She scared me.

Then I met JoAnn. She was very pleasant, in a grandmotherly sort of way. And although we had a nice dinner, I have to say that her picture did not seem to match her person. Apparently her "few extra pounds" are actually pounds as measured on Jupiter, which has a lot more gravity than, say, Earth.

Francine was the first interesting woman I met. She is an intellectual who thought more about the ruling class in the Mideast than she did about cupcake inventory. We had some great conversations. But in the end she was overwhelmed with the care of her six year old son who had OCD, Terret's, and autism. His uncontrollable outbursts required police intervention and confinement in a mental hospital. I felt terrible for her, but I thought that it would be too much drama for my daughter if things ever got serious between us.

That brings us to the girl I met recently. She contacted me and seemed rather guarded. She was very careful about releasing any information about herself, and planning a meeting for lunch in a very public area. That was fine, but I don't think she realized that she had included her full name in her email address and within minutes I had a satellite picture of her house. (That's kinda scary, isn't it?)

We met for dinner, actually, and I said nothing about the satellite picture. We had a good time and I was pleasantly surprised that she has normal Earth weight, is attractive, isn't homicidal, and is intelligent. She was reserved, but we had a good conversation. It seemed like we both enjoyed it.

We emailed back and forth afterward, saying that we had a good time and should do something again. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Maybe go to the boardwalk or something. She kind of ignored that suggestion and said instead that she should make dinner for us, with rum and cokes. And it should be at my house since she has a teenager at hers.

My house? That's fine, but for someone who is worried about staying in public places, this is a small surprise. But that is alright. It sounds like a nice idea.

Then she sent another email asking me to promise that I would not let her drive home if she drank too much. She was being cautious. But I couldn't help but notice that she was not asking me to curb her drinking. She was only asking me to stop her from leaving.

So here it is. She only met me once. We talked about our jobs. And now she is coming to my house to make dinner and to drink, with the request that I keep her there. Is it just me or does that sound...peculiar? Maybe it is because I haven't dated since 1982. Maybe nowadays this is normal.

Or maybe she is moving in. I mean, that is how I got married. A girl from work came over and didn't leave until she had half of everything.

And what is the protocol here? Should I stop her from drinking too much? Should I flag her? Or if she does drink too many and wants to leave, should I lock her in the guest room? (This should be named the Guest Restraining Area). Aren't there laws about that? I am sure there are laws about all of these things: serving her too much alcohol, allowing her to drive, and of course, kidnapping.

Funny how the roles are reversed now. Suddenly I am the one worried if she has a satellite picture of my house.

This whole event is an exercise in diplomacy for which I am not prepared. I really need to shut this Internet Dating operation down before someone gets hurt.