Helter Skelter

For the first time in ages, I went out with a few friends for dinner and drinks. It was fun. But when I came home at 2:00 AM, there was my wife, reeking of alcohol and smashed, sitting on the couch with her teenage daughter and her boyfriend under a blanket. They were laughing and being silly. Actually, my wife was flirting and being ridiculously silly and rather embarrassing while her daughter and boyfriend smiled.

Upstairs our 5 year old was sleeping while Mommy was putting on a show in the living room. Foster Brooks would have been impressed.

I thought that this flaunting of her alcohol habit in front of teenagers was probably a bad idea. And it made me even more concerned about our little-one since she will be with Mommy more than half the time, after we divorce--which is taking forever. So I sat down in the living room with them and watched TV. Immediately my wife, who might have been quiet if she was sober, began joking with her daughter and guest about me as I sat right there. She went on about how ridiculous I am.

No one will ever believe this, I thought, and this is exactly the type of behavior that I might have to describe in court. And so for whatever foolish reason, I thought I would record it.

I grabbed the video camcorder, sat it on my lap, and turned it on. They laughed, of course. My wife giggled and slurred a few more jokes. Then my mother-in-law woke up and joined them on the couch. She agreed with them that I was a fool and then told me in her hillbilly accent that I was a "low-down bastard."

Hmm. That was the gauntlet, I suppose. I asked her if cheating was OK with her, since that is what her daughter was doing (that is another story). The teenager, who had already called me a few names, told me to "Shut the f--- up!" And of course, I would not normally have accused her mother of such a thing in front of her, but she has known about it for some time, and thinks it is quite OK.

Generally, I don't like my step-daughter telling me to shut the f--- up. It seems over-the-line. So I got up, got in her face, and told her to "Never tell me that again." I used my angry voice, but that was it.

Immediately her drunk mother jumps up to protect her. I walk away. There are tears, yells, profanity, and my wife tries to dial the phone. But her daughter is actually sober enough to do it. At one moment, we were all on the phone calling the police--again.

A couple of police cars swung by for another visit with us. One of the guys was here the last time, a month ago. He is surprised that my wife still hasn't left yet (she told me in July that she was leaving). The cops get the story from us both, but need a little help understanding my mother-in-law's drawl.

My wife does her Oscar-worthy performance about how threatened she is, but this time they smell the alcohol and watch the tape from the camera. They decide no one is threatened but they tell me to stop provoking her with a camera. Fine. I had that coming.

They ask me to explain why she hasn't left. I can't. She is waiting to find the right place and to get my 401K savings, which will take 3 months. She doesn't feel like moving to a temporary place in the meantime, even though I offered to lend her money if she needs it.

They ask me if I could move out. I explain that I am keeping the house. It was mine before we married, and I pay 100% of all the bills. I have no money left over for a second place. But she does. She makes $65,000 working part-time and has only a car payment. That's it. A car payment. I shake my head as I write that.

I explain that for years I've asked her to contribute. Pay the phone bill, maybe. But no. She won't. Until recently she wouldn't even pay for her own gasoline. Instead the money goes into private savings and toward her Saturday night braless beverage bonanza. The cops are a little shocked. She won't pay any bills AND she won't move out?? They actually ask her about it, but she vaguely tells them that she does contribute.

And if she does contribute, it is only tension and anxiety. She stopped washing my clothes and cooking meals some time ago.

In the end the police were mostly sympathetic but insisted that someone sleep elsewhere for the night. I volunteered to go to a hotel, but before I left I told the cop about my mother-in-law's history of arson. She and her boyfriend once burned their trailer down for the insurance money. Now she is in my house. The cop looked worried, but there wasn't anything he could do.

I left, slept in a rather stinky motel, and came home in the morning. Everyone was going about their business and not looking at me. And I was not looking at them. At least my daughter was thrilled to see me again.

As I go over the incident and think about how this will damage my case even more, I realize that there is pattern here; a plan perhaps. She did this with her last (2nd) husband. She called the police every time he looked her way, and then was able to parade a few police reports to the judge when arguing her case for custody of the girl who just told me to Shut the f--- up. My wife even got a restraining order against him, which is probably her next move.

Meanwhile, I am in my basement bunker, avoiding all chance of contact. I fully expect another threatening letter from her pit bull attorney. But there is little I can do right now except ignore the drinking and affairs, and wait for her to leave. It really seems like there ought to be another legal alternative.

We still haven't agreed on sharing custody 50/50. I'm hoping she will eventually recognize my daughter's right to her father, but right now, we are at a standstill.

Tomorrow will be very interesting.