The Cycle Repeats

My daughter tells me that she and Mommy are moving in with Mr. Dufus soon because Mommy sold her house. She doesn't know the details, of course, but the truth is that Mommy has now spent all of Daddy's retirement funds and can no longer afford the mortgage, especially when Mommy chooses never to work more than a couple of days per week. So now Mommy will move in with #4. He will pay for everything and Mommy can use the child support for her own clothes and makeup and botox, just like last time.

The news wasn't really a surprise. I remember when she told me in 1992 that she was moving in with me (without me really inviting her) because she couldn't afford her condo. I remember how I paid all the bills for her and her daughter with my income and she used hers for her own leisure activities. And I remember how stressful it was for her 1st daughter when things fell apart.

Now cycle begins anew, this time with my

daughter. Now she gets to live with Mr. Dufus most of the time, and I still get visits with her. Obviously it hurts a little to think of my daughter and ex wife living with Retarded Surfing Dude, but I can deal with that. What bothers me more is that I don't know what sort of environment this will be for my daughter. And I certainly don't trust her mother to be making the best decisions.

My ex-wife's mother used to leave her as a child in the pickup truck while she was inside the bar drinking. Now my ex-wife leaves her daughter on the boyfriend's couch while sponging off of him. I suppose this is a generational improvement, but I am not encouraged by it.

But there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe this will all work out and they will get married and be a family and I will get my visitation. Or maybe this is just another bad example set for our daughter, who probably believes that marriage is an inconvenience. Neither one of us has been particularly good at setting examples, and I wish that would change.

The Counselor

Then I get a couple of emails from my ex telling me that I need to be sure and encourage our daughter about this new event. Or course, I make happy conversation about it and try not to let on that it bothers me.

The emails also say that my ex has been taking our daughter to a counselor for mental health treatment. I don't mind this in theory at all. But our Shared Parenting agreement says that both of us need to make those decisions, not one parent unilaterally making treatment decisions.

And if I had wondered about what they were talking about at the counselor, I soon found out when my daughter told me that she doesn't like going to see Miss Jane because all she does is ask questions about Daddy. "What does Daddy say to you?" "How does Daddy treat you?" "Does Daddy talk about money with you?" and Why is Daddy such as asshole? This makes her uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable that this whole thing took place without BOTH parents being involved up-front. Maybe if the whole situation and environment was laid out first, there would be some real benefit to this. The approach bothers me because I remember how my ex did this same thing with the last guy just to use it as legal ammunition when she wanted more time.

I suppose I could have done the same thing and dragged my daughter to a counselor to find out how my daughter feels when Mommy comes home in her underwear with a raging hangover every Sunday morning, or a number of other situations that would be good topics for Jerry Springer. But I'm not going to use my daughter as a pawn to get more time or more money.

Then I got a lovely letter from this counselor telling me to call her office as soon as possible to set up a billable appointment so that she could apprise me of her findings. She is a child advocate, she reminds me. Perhaps she doesn't even know she is also an advocate for a greedy ex-wife who might really be concerned about her daughter, but doesn't believe her behavior ever causes some of the daughter's anxiety.

I'm going to ignore this letter from the counselor. I don't trust her, and I don't trust the mother's motivation in this case. I've seen her use counselors to further her legal agenda before, with the last husband, and it was a bogus complaint. The counselor knows where to reach me if she needs me.

Really the important thing is that my daughter is OK. And I can say that she is doing well. I don't have as many behavior problems with her that her mother has, I know I don't bad-mouth her mother, and I even support her mother when it comes to discipline. Our daughter doesn't seem upset with her mother at all, and doesn't resent her at all. She does seem to dislike sleeping on the boyfriend's couch, but that is out of my hands, unfortunately.

In fact, I've really had enough of the whole it's-all-my-fault theory. Statistically speaking, it is unlikely that Everything in the world is my fault. I mean, there must be something, somewhere that I didn't cause. I couldn't be responsible for all these things. I'm pretty sure that the World Series was NOT my fault.