Exit Interview

I've spent most of the last 8,760 hours dissecting the failure of the relationship and I have found that it can only be understood if I simply blame someone else. That appears to be the easiest answer. So I will blame my wife, and perhaps her friends to some degree. I mean, after all, it couldn't be MY fault.

But even if you get beyond where the fault lies, I am compelled to figure out just what the hell happened. And if I actually connect all the dots and realize why things happened, no one would want to read all that crap. So I will summarize.

• She had an awful childhood in a trailer in the Smokey Mountains with an absent father, and a mother who was unfaithful and had a serious substance abuse problem. In fact, much of her family had a problem with alcoholism.
• As a result of this, she never really trusted anyone and married the first person who promised to take her away from it all. But that didn't last long. The first divorce was rather simple. The second divorce was a little more complicated since there was a child involved.

As the third husband, I provided security and a home for her and her daughter for 15 years.

In the early days she was possessive:

• Great conflict erupted if I had a friend over, or even talked to family on the phone. Somehow anything that was important to me was a threat to her.
• She threw a fit and started a fight with a waitress when I went to a local hole-in-the-wall bar to have a cheeseburger with 2 (male) friends. She told me that bars are only for picking up people.
• She was angry when I called my mother while I was traveling to see if she was still having heart problems. She was irritated when my brother called at 10PM because he thought he might need surgery. She disliked my dog and my ferret.
• She did not want to go out anywhere, and insisted that I stay home and talk to almost no one.
• I've already mentioned how she likes to throw away anything that belonged to my mother.
  

She had a selfish streak to her.

• One year, at the office we both worked in, she became angry because I didn't bring in a birthday cake for her. Her co-workers had brought one in and I had one waiting at home for her. But she wanted a third cake.
• On several Christmases she was down and even crying when she opened her last gift because the jewelry I bought her was not nice enough. (This is true. I even have it on video tape.)
• Since we both worked, I asked her to chip in for a few bills, but she would not. She told me that as long as I have a dollar left over, I shouldn't be asking her for anything. Meanwhile she charged up her credit cards and I paid them all off--three times.
• When my mother was put in intensive care, on a breathing machine, I called my wife for support. She met me at the hospital--after she stopped at the gym for a workout. [And when I had my appendix removed, she was getting her hair done.]

After my mother died she started to lighten up a little. I encouraged her to make some friends. I convinced her that it was OK for us to both go out somewhere together. I told her we should start a family.

And for a short while we did go out together. We fought a little less and she didn't seem to be so paranoid. She loosened up a little. We'd go out with or without friends, have a few drinks, maybe even dance, and then come home.

Then we had a baby and things changed, as they often do. I thought everything was good. We both enjoyed the whole new-baby time, but now she says that I was never home for it. She says I was always out with friends while she stayed home with the baby.

At this point we have entered a new time dimension, because in the dimension that I was living in, I was always home. But she resents me today because I was always out.

Was I? I don't remember always being out. Who was I out with? I have about three friends and only 2 would ever go out, and both of them were busy with relationships. I think one of them was actually in Egypt at the time, so I doubt I was out with him. Unless of course, I crossed dimensions somehow. But wouldn't you remember that?

I had to find out, so I looked at my computer diary for 2001 to see where I was. Every week I wrote down what amazing things I was doing (like mowing the lawn and finishing the basement). Altogether, throughout all of 2001, every weekend was accounted for. And I was home for every weekend except two. On March 2nd I met Al at a restaurant for dinner and drinks. On November 30th I went to Chili's with my wife and Al. Every other weekend I was home. Meanwhile, she went out five times while I watched the baby.

So you see, I am not certain how the alternate dimensions were crossed, but apparently she remembers the other dimension and not the one that the rest of us live in.

After all that, with new friends that I introduced her to, she went out drinking more and more. First she said that they wanted to go to loud clubs that I wouldn't like, so I stayed home. Then she said that they were going out and I could not come along. I was forbidden. We got into a lot of arguments about that.

I offered a compromise. How about if we go out together (just the two of us) for every time that she goes out alone? She didn't take it. In fact, she told me that she would never go out with just me because she "can't be herself." And at this point, even I could see that writing on the wall.

So the partying progressed from a few hours at a bar to staying out until dawn while I watched our child. The wife that once told me that married people have no business in a bar was now the smash hit at the local meat markets. And that is where I found her on November 20, 2004 with her tongue down some guy's throat. The rest is blog history.




Retrospect
If you ask her now what our problem was, she will cuss you out and then tell you that I was a jerk to her all those years. I called her names and often ignored her. And of course, I went missing for most of 2001.

But the truth is that most of our early arguments were about her objecting to me having family or friends. And most of our later arguments were about me begging her to be more of a couple. And those arguments often led to hostile verbal exchanges which I am not proud of (well maybe one or two). But she seems to forget what the conflict was and only remembers what tactical weapons were used last.

So I feel that I have the higher ground, even if I said some things I regret. In the end, she admitted that she was never really trying to be a couple. But she believes that 99% of the fault lies with me. And whether the fault was hers or mine, she is still going to take as much of my retirement as possible. She says she is entitled to it.

Many times I have made excuses for her inability to be in a relationship, but I am starting to wake up now and see that I was simply the provider. I paid all the bills and made her comfy. And if I didn't object to the whole separate-life arrangement, we wouldn't be getting a divorce.

But the divorce is necessary and I am anxious to get beyond it.

Using Quicken I figured out that she owes me $80,000 as her contribution to the household bills, but I think I will have to write that off (whatever that means), as well as 60% of my retirement.

On the other hand, I do get to keep all the junk I bought on ebay and the remainder of my sanity.