Bargaining for Time

I'm bouncing my 6-inch water filled glitter ball at work, trying to work out the stress that comes from the game of Parental Negotiations. The ball is heavy and I'm surprised it doesn't break. I wonder if I slam it against the copy machine.... No. Just bounce.

I've been going back and forth with my ex-wife about our time-shared daughter. After some time at the bargaining table, losing ground each time, I have to back off and bounce a little.

She is good. Very good. Just when I think there is nothing left for me to give up, she finds something new, which momentarily encourages me. That encouragement disappears as I surrender it in negotiations.

This time I asked if I could take our daughter with me to my brother's house for the weekend. Steve is having his annual block party and I was hoping to live in their basement for a day or two. The block party is always fun and my daughter would love it--if she was there.

When I asked permission for an extra 24 hours of daughter-time, I was told that I needed to trade time for it. OK, I can do that. I offered to give my ex an extra 24 hours when it was her weekend again. That was fair, I thought.

Of course, what would have been even more fair would have been if I could just keep the 24 hours. My ex already has our daughter more than half the time, so giving me an extra 24 hours makes us equal parents for one week. But that was not good enough for her.



She countered with her idea of fairness: I could give up a day each of the next two weekends in exchange for this 24 hours. Our little block party allows her to even further increase her majority time.

And the reason I look at the balance of all this is because I think--and state law agrees--that the child is legally entitled to both parents, equally. There is not any parental preference by default. If you are ax-murderer or otherwise a bad parent, your mileage may be less. So I don't think you should deny your child the right to see their parents equally. That is my little soapbox lecture... I don't like being my daughter's uncle (although she has some fine uncles).

As for the weekend block party, my option is to give up two later weekends, stay home, or go without her. And if I go without her, I would have to forfeit my Friday with her. My ex just doesn't make things easy.

Extortion

And recently she came up with a clever scheme to get more money from me...

She told me that, because she is going to work one day a week, she will need me to pay for 100% of that one day of day care. She would like that money, and the $15 for registration, immediately. Well, I'm only obligated to pay 60%, so I added that to the weekly check starting immediately. I wasn't about to pay 100%. If she can actually work, then she can pay a little. Besides, she gets the benefit of having our daughter home with her the rest of the week.

When I picked my daughter up on Thursday, I asked her how the new daycare place was. To my surprise, she told me that there was no daycare. Mommy spent the day at the pool with her. And it was the same thing the following week. I asked again, carefully, to see if there was some misunderstanding. "You had daycare sometime, didn't you?"

No. She didn't. And before I could say anything to her mother, her mother sent me a nasty message telling me to stop asking our daughter questions. I explained that I only asked how daycare was and got the strange answer that there was no daycare. Her mother then explained to me that "sometimes" she has to get a babysitter instead.

So I still don't understand why there was no real daycare, despite the registration fee. Perhaps the babysitter charged a registration fee? I guess the economy is tough even for babysitters.

Nonetheless, I pay the extra amount because my lawyer says that I will do worse in court. Have to make her happy. Give her what she wants. She is entitled to it.




Well, that is the latest on time and money. Never ends.


UPDATE - I took my daughter to the block party in Maryland, and my ex is already texting me to skip my brother's birthday dinner and come home early so that she can read a book to my daughter.