Mental Poisoning

Things had been going well with the ex. No confrontations, no court hearings, only a few extortion threats. Just the usual annoying stuff. I get to hear all about my daughter's sleep-overs at Mommy's boyfriends, etc. Annoying stuff, but nothing I couldn't ignore.

But today was different. While in a meeting, and shortly before my turn to speak, I get a text message that says, "You need to call me ASAP." It was from the ex. Something terrible has happened and she has to tell me about it. It must be terrible because she doesn't call me otherwise.

So I excused myself from the meeting and call her. What could it be? Peanut allergies? An accident?

Nah. Of course not. She just wanted explain to me just how furious she is at me for poisoning my daughter's mind. She has had it. She can't ignore it any more. I am badmouthing her terribly, and now she wants to have the courts modify our parenting plan so that my daughter sees me less (which has been a long term goal of hers).

Apparently our daughter said, "Should Daddy and Mike be friends , since the same thing happened to them by you?" Mike is husband number 2, I am number 3. Our daughter knows that Mommy was married to us and knows that both ended in divorce. It wasn't hard for her to put these things together and ask the question of her mother. It doesn't mean, believe me, that I sat her down and told her, "Your mother divorced us both and now we should form a group." THAT never happened (although it does sound like a neat idea).

No, I don't say those things. I would never want someone I trust saying bad things about my mother. So I always deflect her questions, or give harmless answers. But those answers get processed more than I thought, and pretty soon she is extrapolating what really happened and then telling her mother. Her mother's blood boils and she threatens me. And of course this is the same tactic she used with the last husband, then took him to court and got more time with her daughter. She even got the court to order supervised visits for the father.

She's good.

Sometimes our daughter just puts the puzzle together with no questions at all. She noticed her mother not being home most Sunday mornings. She noticed what was going on when she went along for a sleep over. She noticed that Daddy was bothered by it.


I do admit that sometimes she discerns my opinion on something. She knows I don't like the new boyfriend because I called him Mr. Dufus. And that was wrong. I admit it. But I never put ideas in her head in the way I am accused. I am going to have to make a better effort to hide my frowny face when she tells me about Mommy and Mr. Mark wrestling in the locked bedroom. I will have to remind myself to say nothing and plead the 5th.

I just wish my ex was as concerned with the examples she sets.

Meanwhile, I have to worry about this whole therapist and court mediator thing. It's too easy to go in there, say that dad is angrily poisoning the child's brain, and have one parent's time cut short even further. This can't happen. So by the end of the scorching phone conversation, I was concillitory and passive. I'll try to do better, I said. I didn't admit to the more ridiculous accusations, but I did promise to do better. And I avoided saying that we should both try to prevent the girl from following in her mother's sleazy footsteps.

Once again, appeasement. Oh, and she wants an extra $100 per month for her share of day care. (She is deliberately under-employed and I am already giving her an extra 20% to keep her from taking me to court.)


I just didn't really need this today. And now I am reluctant to pick my daughter up because having her in my presence automatically makes me guilty of poisoning her, whether we talk or not. I'm just not sure how to spend time with her and not be accused of brainwashing.

I rarely think about it otherwise, but on days like today I am SO GLAD that Prohibition was repealed in 1919.