Since When is Underwear a Halloween Costume?

I've been married for about 8 years. There has often been tension, and in fact, the incompatibility had built to the point where one night I drove past her favorite bar, and there she was in the window, lip-locked with a guy from work. They were dancing and making out. This was a new low and certainly reason to abandon ship. But I thought that perhaps we could work things out. After all, we have a wonderful child and home.

And for two years I thought she was onboard with the Let's Fix This Thing idea until just recently when she presented me with papers from her lawyer. She wants to split up. And that is probably a good thing--sorry to say--because I didn't realize she had checked out in 2004.

Now, negotiating a split up is difficult. At first I thought that perhaps she would change her mind. Then I thought that perhaps she would go easy on me financially. Nope. I was going to feel some discomfort, as the dentist says.

But meanwhile we are still in the same house and still act civil to each other. It is a weird situation. She is 40 years old and goes out almost every Saturday night, coming back Sunday morning between 4:30 and 6:00. But I keep cool because negotiations are not finished and I still need to eat a little.

I dreaded Halloween because I knew what it meant. She would go out with her friends in some sort of sexy outfit and come home drunk and with lots of fingerprints on her. So I asked her to please not embarass me. Have a little dignity while we are still in the same house.

Then I found her costume. She had it shipped overnight from Tramps-R-Us. It is the Naughty Nanny costume. It consists of a very short dress and baby accessories like pacifiers and bottles. What is that for?? What is a Naughty Nanny? I imagine all sorts of weird scenarios. I mean, if you are in the Tin Man costume, I get it. I understand what that is. But what does a Nanny do when she is Naughty?? Is one of her friends going to be the Naughty Infant that needs to be pacified with her bottles and cleavage?

The costume was designed for someone who wanted lots of sexual attention. I suppose that is her right, but perhaps she should wait for the divorce. So I hid the costume.

That didn't stop her, and I knew it wouldn't. Instead she went out with her friends (who are not what you'd call modest, and also think they are still 25) and bought a new outfit. Only this new outfit was not really an outfit. It was just UNDERWEAR in a halloween package! Since when is underwear a Halloween costume?

My wife's cotume was a very short, see-through, lacy petticoat that was more like a grandmother's kitchen curtain (for a very small window) wrapped around her waist. And under that she wore some sort of black, elastic, boy short panties. The type that only covers a small portion of the top of your ass and nothing on the bottom. Basically, it is a headband on your hips.




That was complemented with a bra for a top, or at least half a bra. It was one of those shelf bras that just held them up for all to see. And on her legs she wore thigh-high fishnet stockings with black bows. Her whole costume was Underwear, and very little of it. You could see almost everything her doctor sees. She wore a light jacket over top so that she could avoid being arrested for soliciting while leaving her car, but otherwise she was Much More naughty than the Nanny.

Divorce is difficult. Having someone tell you they checked out emotionally 2 years ago is difficult. Having them go out naked for Halloween is a little upsetting. And it only got worse.

When she got home she sat on the couch, drunk, and hung out with her 17 year old daughter and her friend, and their dates, and laughed about the night's parties. My wife was drunk, and partially naked. The boy-short panties were now in her gym bag, so I am not sure what she had on under that little jacket, but I think the boys appreciated it. In fact, they enjoyed it all so much that they didn't leave until the next day. When I got up they were sleeping in my step-daughter's bedroom.

I bit my tongue and just prayed that we would come to some deal on custody and money. With a dog that has maybe a few weeks to live and an aunt who has less, this is stress I don't need.

But this blog is supposed to be about slutty halloween costumes. Why does this happen? What ever happened to creative costumes? I remember when a friend of mine was a Tylenol capsule just after several people died from tainted Tylenol. It was inappropriate and twisted, but not embarassing. Today, all you have to do is expose your female parts and it is called a costume. Who are they supposed to be? Strippers? Is that the idea? Is it supposed to be unique and mysterious and alluring?

I think that a 40 year old mother of two, out with her swinger friends, wearing a half-bra and thong for Halloween is embarrassing. Come on.

Sexy Costume Commercial