Let's Make a Divorce Deal

So she is certain that we must split up. We haven't ever sat down and tried to resolve the constant pattern of conflicts and misunderstandings. We ignore them and wait for the anger to drop to a simmer. And she tells me that she would rather split up than make an attempt to fix it.

Well, OK, then here we go.

The lawyers tell us that we really want to settle and not go to court. So we must negotiate a settlement for the house and our wonderful 5-year-old daughter.


I think my wife deserves nothing, since she is leaving the relationship and is the only one to have violated any vows. Yet I know that what she deserves and what she gets are two different things. The problem is, this is not clear cut. I bought the house before we got married. Does she get half?

For 8 years we have both had good jobs. She now makes $60K+. But during our time together she always kept her money separate. I paid all the bills because she would freak out when we talked about money. So it was easier for cowardly me to just pay the damn bills and let her keep her money.

But as we all know, running a house ain't cheap. And, to be fair, she contributed significantly by buying the food and cleaning the house. In return, she did not have to contribute for any mortage payment or utililty. She would see no bills for gas, phone, water, electric, cell phone, gasoline, insurance, property taxes, or the mortgage itself. And since she never had enough income taxes withheld, I would make up the difference with my withholding.

All that adds up to a lot of money each month. I tried to suggest several times that we contribute to a joint account, proportionate to our income, money for core expenses. But she flatly refused.

Now she wants half the house that she never paid for, despite a good salary.

AND, she wants 72% of our daughter's time, despite the fact that I am a very involved father. This is a problem because I've seen how my wife sidelined her previous husband and basically shut him out of his daughter's life. The result is an extra difficult teenager who is awaiting her court appearance for shoplifting.

In addition to half the house, she wants (and gets) half of my retirement savings. Of course it is balanced out because I get half of hers too. But-- she didn't save for retirement. She spent it at The Express.

Long story short.... After going back and forth for months, she has agreed to only take 40% of the house equity and half my retirement savings. This sets me back over $100,000, and I am not a rich man.

With mediation we agreed to a 4/3 weekly split of our daughter's time. I've agreed to this but it angers me that somehow I am a secondary parent, and that my daughter is not entitled to equal time with both parents. Seems like that should be her right. But the lawyer tells me to take the deal. So I am.