The Stages of Loss

Now that the psycho is gone from the house (but not my life) I have plenty of time to think about the ride I took. It was a long trip and had lots of pot holes. As I examined it all I tried to be objective; to take ownership for the things that I did wrong. I don't know why I bother with this. Perhaps it is natural to analyze your life and your mistakes, at least so that you don't make them again.

I decided that there were many times when I should have been more in-tune with what was going on. Times when I should have thought about the whole Venus and Mars thing. Like when she would act crazy and I would just decide to be silent for as long as humanly possible. I thought I was avoiding homicide, but since she didn't know she was crazy, she just thought that I was abandoning her. And she has real abandonment issues.

And here is where I could suggest some reasons for people abandoning her, but...

In the end I thought of several mistakes I made. There were behaviors of mine that contributed to the whole mess, and there were things I said and did that hurt her feelings.

I was starting to feel more responsible, and more sorry for it all. Perhaps I could have been more thoughtful...

But then--Then I started to think of the other side. How many times did she come home at 6 AM, drunk, with no explanation as to where she was? How many times did I run a fan or air conditioner on a cold night just so I wouldn't hear her come home? How many times did she tell me lies about her intentions? How long did she let me believe she was still my wife when she was really someone else's all-night drinking buddy, or worse?

Then there was the time she threw my mother's stuff out just because she thought I shouldn't keep it. The times she refused to go with me somewhere and then complain about how I don't want to be with her. The several times she went out all night, dressed to the nines, while her visiting mother or father sat home with me. The times she... and so on.

In the end I decided that no matter what mean things I did, I was repaid several times over. Sure I was angrily silent for a few days, but she was downright evil. And for the past couple of years, I did nothing to upset her, and still she was evil and greedy. So, after all this analysis I decided that she is way more guilty than I am. Her crimes are mostly felonies in my view. And we'll just have to wait and see if the scales of justice ever balance out.

In the meantime I see that I am going through the stages of loss as defined by the Kübler-Ross model. This is what people go through when they have a great loss, like a divorce.

The first stage is Denial.
"Certainly that can't be her in the bar window with her tongue down that guy's throat."

Once you come to terms with this, there are the following stages:

Anger.
"Let me get this straight. You cheated and are now taking How Much of my retirement and parenting time??"

Bargaining.
"How about if I give you everything and you leave tomorrow??"

Poverty.
"I think I'll skip lunch this week because I want to save up for the electric bill."

Depression.
"Wow. That was a lot of years I just lost."

Washing Machine Anxiety.
"God, I hope my T-shirts don't turn pink again."

Recreational Deficit.
"Goodbye, boat. We had fun."

Intellectual Laziness.
"Won't anyone argue with me anymore?"

Extreme Poverty.
"Do you suppose Quicken is correct when it tells me Your Plan Fails every time I open my budget?"

Acceptance.
"I kind of like eating Raman Noodles in the dark a lot more than I thought."


These are the many stages that are defined in that model. And I don't think that you always zip right through those stages. I seem to bounce between them in my spare time. I may have Acceptance one day and then Anger the next. Who knows? Sometimes it depends on current events.

For example, last week my 6 year old daughter asked me what "drunk" means. She knew it was something related to adults. I told her that it means you have had too much wine and you are sleepy or goofy and should not drive a car.

"Mommy says that that's how you have a baby."

Nice one. Mommy is pretty funny. I hope my insurance covers counseling for children.

Within minutes I bounced between several stages, including the lesser known stage of Disgust.