The Lawyer Calls

Nice. I get a call today from my humorless lawyer who says that my ex-wife has called her lawyer and is complaining that I am harassing her. He tells me to be careful because she will soon call the police and charge me with harassment.


This is all because I told her that I am not paying all the expenses just to live in the basement. But the story the lawyers got is that I threatened to lock her out of the bathroom and bedroom, and then throw her clothes out. And somehow, they think that I am preventing her from using the oven.

The oven?

Neither one of us even knows how to use the oven, so I don't understand what that is all about. But I do know that I never said I would throw all her Wet Seal and Hot Topic clothes out. She knows how to exaggerate, and she knows how to call the police. She is good at it. When they arrive, she usually starts crying and putting on a very good show.

I asked my lawyer if I have to stay in the basement and he tells me that I have full rights to the house, and can even shut off the cable if I want, but I can't do anything that sounds like harassment. Otherwise he doesn't have any advice on how to keep my sanity.

And really the only problem was that she would not pay anything. I was supporting her 100% while she and her grown daughter are living it up with their boyfriends. Shouldn't she support herself for once? Or at least contribute? And perhaps she could stop shredding my mail. (Today I found remnants of a bank statement from my mother's estate in the shredder. More on that later.)

I tell you, if I wanted out of a marriage, I would want out of the house too.

Oh well. I suppose I will not switch bedrooms with her. And perhaps I will show her how to turn the stove on, just like Hansel and Gretel.